I grew up relatively shy. I was the type of kid who felt right at home playing roller hockey with the kids on my block, yet extremely uncomfortable in organized sports like basketball or soccer. Reluctantly, I joined my high school football team. I loved the sport but there was an obvious disconnect between myself and the team. Perhaps it was the jock culture or merely spending time with the “popular” kids, but I knew I didn’t fit in. Not to mention I was not built like a 35-year-old man at 15, like many of my peers.
It is easy to take. Easy to talk about yourself. Getting what you want feels comfortable. Having your way feels empowering. Being selfish is rewarding. Getting ahead, gaining a step, unlocking the fast lane, accumulating wealth, collecting pride points, and scoring the win. It all feels great.
What is a trail? What does it mean to leave a trail? How do you know which trail to follow?
I am a fly on the wall
A fly for ya’ll standing one inch tall
And on this wall I hear your buzzings
The things that you say, all your goings and comings
“We tell ourselves stories in order to live… we look for the sermon in the suicide, for the social or moral lesson in the murder of five. We interpret what we see, select the most workable of the multiple choices. We live entirely, especially if we are writers, by the imposition of a narrative line upon disparate images, by the “ideas” with which we have learned to freeze the shifting phantasmagoria which is our actual experience.” – Joan Didion, The White Album
When I get to the end of my life, hopefully very far from now, I will not look back and think about my job or how much money I made. I will not reminisce about my time spent at my desk doing someone else’s work. I will not take with me the things that I bought, I will not keep the likes I received on Instagram. I will not reflect on the judgment of strangers.